The News

Christian Bale only charged with verbal abuse! Estelle Getty is dead! Will Smith is $80 million richer! Josh Brolin was tased! Nick Hogan sent to grown-up jail! Dumb celebrities make asses of themselves!

Behind the News

Normally this column is dedicated slinging dirt at celebrities who are infinitely more successful and much better people than this humble insult merchant. But today I'm going to start off by clearing up a little misconception. All of my fellow gossip leaches have been going on and on about this Christian Bale arrest. The official story yesterday was that he was locked up in a jail cell for physically abusing his wife and sister. It sounded like Bale had become more American Psycho than Batman and was a shocking smudge on an otherwise clean reputation. Well, it turns out that the charge was actually for verbal assault, there were no punches thrown (apparently in England people can be charged for verbal abuse with "intent to cause alarm"...no seriously, that's real). Not only that, but Bale's mother reported the incident on Sunday but the police elected to ignore the problem until Tuesday so that Monday's Dark Knight premiere in London wouldn't be affected. On Tuesday, Bale appeared at the police station by appointment and no charges were formally made. It sounds like the whole situation was just a lot of nonsense and the result of some of the Bale clan overreacting. It's ok to still like Batman kids. He's a good guy. Go see the Dark Knight for the 8th time.

Monaco's New Peninsula Battling with Dubai, design style… Freedom Tower A closer look at the WTC successor… JFK's Terminal 5 An airport icon gets ready to return… Brolin's Arrest The W. star dishes the details…

Estelle Getty—the pint-sized package of hilarity who played Sophia “Ma” Petrillo on The Golden Girls—passed away early this morning. The actress was three days away from her 85th birthday. Getty didn't breakthrough as an actress until the age of 61 on the classic 80s sitcom and was actually younger than most of her co-stars even though she played the elderly matriarch. Getty never really did much beyond reprising the Sophia role in spin-offs or playing a variation of the character in projects like the 1992 Sylvester Stallone embarrassment Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot. Still, she made an entire generation realize that old people can be funny as well as useless. Thank you for being a friend.

Remember when Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright were arrested in a bar brawl during the wrap party for Oliver Stone's George Bush movie? It was an odd story at the time that everyone kept quiet about, but the story refuses to die. It's now been reported that a cell-phone video exists showing police brutality directed towards Brolin and Wright. Apparently the video shows Brolin trying to calm down the cops outside of the bar before being suddenly tackled, Maced, and Tasered by the police alongside Wright. It's unclear whether police brutally charges will be made, but god we hope so. That would make for a very entertaining case. Hopefully the footage will be on youtube soon. I can't wait to hear Brolin bellow, "don't tase me, bro!"

Forbes magazine recently released a list showing how much Hollywood stars made last year and the numbers are pretty ridiculous. Will Smith was the top earner, taking home the fucking ridiculous sum of $80 million (it's unclear how much was "donated" to the Church of Scientology). Johnny Depp was next on the list with a $72 million paycheck (not a bad haul for a Keith Richards impression), and comedians Eddie Murphy and Mike Myres followed, making $50 million a piece for a year in which they made easily the worst movies of their careers. Cameron Diaz was the top earning actress with a $50 million haul for Shrek The 3rd and What Happens In Vegas. 15-year-old Miley Cyrus topped youngsters with a $25 million income (don't you hate yourself now?), but no one fared better than Oprah Winfrey, who made a simply mind blowing $275 million last year, not including her recent $55 million three-year deal with XM satellite radio. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go kill myself…provided that I can scrounge up enough money to buy a rope.

Video game adaptations of movies are standard these days and never surprising…well, at least when they're based on action movies that can translate into videogames anyways. Games based on Spider-man or The Bourne Identity make sense and translate well to the interactive medium; however, Paramount's latest line-up of movie-based videogamess are ridiculous. Paramount plans to adapt Clueless, Mean Girls, and Pretty In Pink into games. Exactly what these games will look like is inconceivable. Presumably you'll play levels that involve buying new clothing, making prom dresses, gossiping, and learning how to drive. If these games are being designed as sleep aids, they should work just fine. Otherwise, the concept is just silly and ridiculous.

Barbara Walters's The View has been a wonderful source of misinformation and embarrassing behavior ever since the show was first aired and it has been upholding these high standards admirably. After the absurdly tear-filled Whoopi Goldberg/Elizabeth Hasselbeck n-word debate, co-host Sherri Shepherd has started her own fun controversy. The pro-life born-again Christian (now there's fun combination) had the following to say about her past to the Christian magazine Precious Times: "I was sleeping with a lot of guys and had more abortions that I would like to count." She also said that Jewish host Barbara Walters needs to be saved and that she wishes that evangelists could be added to The View roundtable. Aren't you glad that you don't watch this bullshit show?

A trio of federal judges threw out the FCC's $550,000 fine against CBS for the infamous 2004 Superbowl nipplegate. The decision is exciting because it opens the door for all sorts of "accidental" glimpses of private parts in nationally televised sporting events. Personally, I can't wait to see what skin Katie Couric plans to show off at the Olympics. My Tivo is ready to go.

Nick Bollea (better known as Nick Hogan) turned 18 on Sunday. While for most youngsters it means that they'll finally be able to rent R-rated movies and vote, the landmark birthday was a little different for Nick. The finally of age Hulkamaniac was transferred to an adult prison. I'll bet his new cellmates will be super-impressed by his celebrity Dad. Little Nicky's going to have a fun time. I hear that federal prisons have all sorts of exciting social events and activities. The kid will be sad to leave in October.

Note to self: if I'm signed on to perform at a Disney-run concert, I probably should avoid being arrested for cocaine possession. How did I learn this useful little tidbit of information? Why, from the Barenaked Ladies of course. The Canuk popsters have pulled out of an upcoming performance at Disney's Music Block Party following frontman Steve Page's arrest. Not the best time to release your first children's album, is it guys?

Comments

79 days ago [ 1 ]

thisisstew says

Batman wouldn't beat up his mom

79 days ago [ 2 ]

mutton says

Batman is insane

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